Devil with the Green Eyes

I know you can only see me as a vision.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Top off my coffee, Trixie?

Me: Did you forget that you're supposed to go to breakfast with Twinkie and Mean Old Man this morning? Get up and get dressed!

Me: Uhhhh, I'm tired. It's so early. Did I really say I would be there? My stomach feels iffy; I don't know if a big old breakfast is the best idea.

Me: Yes, you did say that and you've hardly seen Twinkie lately and Mean Old Man won't like it if you cancel. Don't eat if your tummy hurts. You're an adult, aren't you?

Me: Alright, I'm up. Give me 15 minutes.

...

Me: I thought you said you had a stomachache?

Me: Mm. But smell these biscuits and gravy -- they're all buttery and peppery and making me happy! And the strawberries, my god, the strawberries. And they have creme brulee yogurt -- I don't even know what that is! I have to have it.

Me: And eggs, bacon, pancakes, smoked salmon, juice and coffee?

Me: Don't forget the rolls.

Me: Right, the rolls.

Me: Oh, my stomach hurts. I think I'm going to throw up...

Me: You're an idiot.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Buttery-Cheeks Anton vs. Beery Clive the Eunuch

The water heater is broken and the neighbors have been screaming obscenities at each other all evening (with the window open -- come on!) so it's time to dip into The Areas of My Expertise for comic relief. Y'all need to support the hobo-obsessed John Hodgman and pick this one up.

The first time I leafed through it, I was on a plane, and I'm not sure if the cute little bottles of vodka had anything to do with it, but when I read The Fucky from Kentucky in the list of hobo names, I went into hysterics laughing -- I could not speak for 20 minutes. My seatmates were wishing I would choke and die. I did spill my drink all over the book, so now it's all curly and wavy, so they got satisfaction out of that, at least, the rat bastards. I don't know quite how to describe this book. It's kind of a stream of consciousness piece by an egomaniacal, probably snooty liberal-arts-college-educated, pathological liar. It speaks my language, in other words.

I just gave this book to a funny friend and I'm anxiously waiting to hear if it makes him laugh. What better gift is there? (If I do say so myself.)

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

It does a body good?

Yesterday, after a typically twisted conversation with friends that included a discussion of the relative merits and drawbacks of ingesting human milk (as a non-baby type person), I came across Steve's unnatural adventures with said beverage. Steve has a well-developed penchant for sampling wrong things, I must say. And chocolate breast milk? All I can say is wow. According to the rule of three, one more encounter with this subject is on the way and I'm waiting for someone to slip me a boob juice mickey or some such.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

100 things about the devil

And now, by request:

1. I never answer the phone at home. I’ll call you back.
2. Half the lashes on my right eye are blonde.
3. I play with my hair constantly. Though I really, really don’t like to be touched by people I don’t know, I do like certain people to touch my hair.
4. Pets I’ve had: dogs, fish, guinea pigs, hamsters, gerbils, rabbits, chinchillas, chickens.
5. I’ve gotten one speeding ticket in my life. I was 16.
6. I think I’m beautiful.
7. I believe my mom loves my brother best.
8. I know my dad doesn’t like any of us.
9. I’m addicted to sushi but I deny myself often to make it more pleasurable when I finally have it. In fact, I do this with other things as well. Am I a masochist?
10. I learned to drive on a stick shift – a VW bus, to be exact.
11. I’m left-handed, so I must be in my right mind.
12. Instruments I play or have played: violin, piano, harmonica, viola, cello.
13. I admire bilingual people. Ayuda me con mi espanol?
14. I love to cook and do it as much as possible. If you let me cook for you, I will experiment and make up something new just for you, something I think matches your tastes and personality.
15. I’m an atheist. Always have been.
16. I have a thing about pouring liquids from pitchers into glasses, etc. I love the sound.
17. I married my high school sweetheart.
18. On our first date, I had to be home by 10:30 because I had to take the SAT the next morning.
19. I was a National Merit Scholar.
20. I think I’ll live to be an old woman, but I don’t want to.
21. I can’t stand it when people say "veggie." I’ve learned that this makes them say it more.
22. I don’t like people knowing about me. So why am I telling you this?
23. I can whistle sucking air in, but I can’t whistle blowing air out.
24. I drink my coffee strong and black.
25. I’m suspicious of people who have no books in their homes.
26. I like to take walks and look in people’s windows (from the sidewalk, I’m not a pervert).
27. I like to eat with chopsticks and collect them on my travels.
28. I never had to take a driving test.
29. I don’t worry about money.
30. I’m afraid of roaches. Any other bugs are A-OK with me.
31. I’ve never been pregnant.
32. I still get carded. I’m 37.
33. I never had air conditioning until I was in college.
34. I never had cable until I was in college.
35. I can take a lot of pain but have a low threshold for boredom.
36. I’d rather shop for food than clothes any day.
37. I eat peanut butter everyday.
38. I have almost perfect vision.
39. I’ve been wearing my toe ring for five years.
40. I don’t think I’ll see a female U.S. president in my lifetime.
41. I have to watch Dirty Dancing whenever it’s on TV.
42. My hair is mostly gray under the dye. I started going gray at 18.
43. I’m in two book clubs. Talking about books turns me on, but sometimes talking about everything else is even better.
44. I have a Master’s degree. I don’t use it.
45. I am a good photographer but I don’t do it often enough.
46. I don’t like to be asked when I’m going to have kids.
47. I first had my hair cut when I was 13. My mom did it.
48. I have violent dreams almost every night.
49. I must wear a watch every day. One day (just one), I forgot my watch so I stopped and bought one.
50. I don’t have any tattoos but I have a lot of scars.
51. I’m a true introvert. Spending time with people drains my energy.
52. I love to salsa dance.
53. I Tivo everything with Alec Baldwin in it.
54. I lived in a trailer for three years.
55. I can’t keep houseplants alive.
56. I like a red wine buzz and I’m a lightweight so it’s easy to get. No, I won’t get drunk in front of you; I fear losing control.
57. I have two dogs, both from the Humane Society.
58. My favorite drink is Diet Coke. Nectar of the gods.
59. I tried out for cheerleading once in high school. I didn’t make it.
60. My butt is always cold.
61. I’ve traveled to Mexico, Canada, Europe, Asia, Central America and most of the U.S.
62. The best teacher I ever had was Mr. Yazel in the sixth grade.
63. I smoke when I’m stressed.
64. I had braces for three years. I got them off halfway through my freshman year in college.
65. Prozac works for me.
66. My first dog was Tinker Toy. My brother and I originally wanted to name her Breakfast, but our parents convinced us to go with our second choice.
67. I won an art award/scholarship for special classes when I was in elementary school.
68. I can’t draw.
69. I can’t sing, either.
70. Turns out I have no right to be judgmental.
71. My pet peeve is when the covers get messed up. With two people and two 65-pound dogs in the bed, I get peeved every night.
72. I’m usually reading about two to five books at any given time.
73. I once ran the Triple Crown, including the mini marathon.
74. I hate running.
75. I can crochet.
76. I’m trying to learn to knit.
77. I love to try new restaurants. In this town, there are always plenty to try, or I’d be out of here.
78. I don’t know quite how I ended up in my current job.
79. I play solitaire obsessively when I’m watching TV.
80. I can never remember jokes.
81. I’m a good listener.
82. I dropped out of college, then dropped back in.
83. I am a good speller.
84. I believe in fate.
85. I give money to street people.
86. I think The English Patient is the worst movie that I’ve watched in its entirety.
87. I can’t read my own handwriting.
88. I never dot my Is.
89. I compulsively count the letters in words and sentences that I utter and hear and read. There are some sums that I consider disadvantageous. You don’t need to know what those numbers are.
90. I seem to attract depressed and/or unstable people who, I believe, think that I will be a stabilizing force in their lives. They don’t realize that I’m just as unstable as they are on the inside.
91. I compulsively purchase a few types of things, including lotions, lip glosses, cookbooks and candles.
92. I can count the number of people I trust on one hand.
93. I once went out with a gay guy. We were both confused.
94. I’m a good swimmer but I sure do hate being in a swimsuit.
95. I never lose things.
96. I am quite liberal but find myself getting more conservative politically as I get older.
97. I get freckles in the summer. I think they’re sexy.
98. I find doing laundry very emotionally satisfying.
99. I have trouble finishing things…

Monday, April 24, 2006

If you can't beat 'em

As soon as I moved here, I noticed this little Kentuckiana quirk. When someone doesn't hear what you just said to them, they say, "do what?" I'd never heard it before, and every time I did, it made me laugh. Not laugh in their face, but more behind their back-like. It just always sounded off.

"Where are we going for lunch?" "Do what?"
"Your boyfriend's sick AGAIN?" "Do what?"
"You've got something on your chin..." "Do what?"

Then it started to sound more normal. Then the other day -- I heard it coming out of my mouth. Uhhhhh, looks like I'm here to stay.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

I know you'll find this hard to believe

So it's almost Derby time. The Ville's very own holiday that requires that no work be done for up to and including four weeks. With all the talk about the horses, I'm skeptical about something. How come almost everybody starts denying that they ever win at the track when it comes up? Is this along the lines of the "I've never won anything" line you get whenever anyone wins anything? Somebody's winning something. I seen 'em. Well, I'm here to tell you that I didn't tear it up yesterday at Keeneland, but I did have one winner -- thanks, Humorous Gal. Played hooky and broke even and that's a win in my book.

Okay, here's another thing I'm skeptical about. Every time I go to a surprise party -- and Pinkie V's last night was a big success -- the peanut gallery pipes up about how they've never had a surprise party. Pinkie V, actually, was the only one who wasn't saying so -- I think she's has many of them thrown for her (deservedly). I think that's sad -- everyone should be getting surprise parties thrown for them all the time. Unless they have a weak heart or an itchy trigger finger, it's pleasantly memorable for the honoree and fun for the planners (all the lying, none of the guilt). And not just for birthdays -- how much better is the surprise when it's just for the hell of it? (hint, hint)

Friday, April 21, 2006

Perspective

I was recently offered what may be the best advice I've received in a long time. And there's been no shortage of advice from all quarters, so that's saying something. I'm not always the best at taking advice. Can someone else know what I should do without walking in my shoes? Anyway, it was recommended that I spend time volunteering in order to avoid worrying about my own problems. Right around the same time, I got two invitations to get involved in a couple of volunteer projects that would take advantage of skills I actually have. Can it work? How much volunteering will I have to do? Hm, I may have to quit my job to get in enough volunteering to achieve balance. But I'm willing to try it and I'm committed to the projects, so all I can do is throw myself into it and hope for the best. Even if I don't benefit, at least someone else will.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Smart redneck

I was just walking down the street and I don't know what kind of look I had on my face -- but it must have been baaaad. This good ol' boy leaned out his pickup window and yelled, "Smile, honey, it ain't that bad!"

And he was right.

And I am.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

I got the Proof

Pinkies hit Proof tonight and it was rocking. Pinkie V is in town for the week (she doesn't know she's getting a surprise PaRTy in a couple of days) and she picked the restaurant. Proof is getting some flack for being a NY wannabe but in some ways it's so much more than anything I've seen in NY, and I've seen some off the wall stuff there. The owners have a beautiful restaurant and a rotating gallery of modern art that is free to the public and is just spellbinding (especially after several cocktails). Some funny, some horrifying, some confusing. Perfect.

I highly recommend: mushrooms aldo dolce, octopus, squash soup, espresso martini, lemon pie, choc fondue, homemade marshmallows, scallops, asparagus, bread and butter, bday cake, Fess Parker pinot noir, the cotton candy.

Don't miss: the red plastic penguins, blind eye video in bathroom mirrors, see-through mirrors in bathrooms, waterfall in men's, rat video, trannie pics, duct tape raccoon, black velvet forest, catching letters.

Best lines: Gay as a football bat.
It's like boob salad.
Doing a girl? It's like riding a bike. I remember.
When I took my Sonic vibrator on vacation...uh, I mean toothbrush.

If I'm seeing you this weekend, I have stories for you I can't even get into now. Off to bed. :)

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Other duties as assigned

Where is the line? The boundary? At work, I mean. It stresses me out. I'm in the middle and I'm still figuring out the view from above. I know I take on too much in an effort to make my team's day easier, then berate myself when expectations shift. It's just so much easier to do it myself than to coach someone into recognizing why they're not doing it themselves -- and then into doing it themselves. (Yes, I'm the oldest sibling in my family.) I know this, but in the moment, I forget -- this isn't kindergarten. So I have to have a talk with myself, a one-on-one, if you will. It's never that I care if they like me. I just like work to move along smoothly and my team to know I've got their back.

The view from below I have more experience with, but that keeps changing too. More responsibility requires more trust. More trust requires a closer relationship. But, whoa, not too close, or somebody's gonna get sued or people are gonna start talking crazy. And if you have a friendship outside of work, it's all muddy with politics. You know too many of each other's quirks, soft spots and hangups (and soooo many embarrassing stories) and they can't help but pop up on a regular basis. So you end up interpersing bickering like kids with your "professional" behavior, and agreeing to other duties as assigned that would never be asked of anyone else. Whew, no wonder I'm confused. I need a day off.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Drama for my mama

Is bullying not the most pathetic method people use to make themselves feel better? Especially grown-ups, who've surely suffered through it at some point and know better. I know we all have our problems, but it's painful to see someone who's never done anything to hurt anyone else (and doesn't really know how to stand up to bullies) be so deeply damaged by some jerk whose problems have nothing to do with his victim. Grrrr.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Zenned out

Yesterday, I met up with LaToya for book club, but it's hard to have book club when nobody else shows up. Also hard when nobody finishes the book (except me). Certain people will tell you that I've killed two book clubs so far. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm starting to think it's true, because this one isn't going so well. That's not gonna stop me, though. I'm just gonna keep going, leaving book club destruction in my wake. I'm in two right now, so I should be hitting the double digits before too long. I'm feeling nostalgic for my last book club. We had the most outrageous times. Too fun. So no big discussion of The Known World, unfortunately, but it's beautiful and complex and I highly recommend it.

The good news is we met at Zen Garden and got our eat on. The menu is all vegetarian, which isn't really my thing, but LaToya led the way. The fried tofu with peanut sauce was incredible. My pan fried noodles with tofu and vegetables were delish and that chocolate peanut butter pie was too much. Who knew I could eat so much tofu and leave with a smile on my face?

Last night, headed out to the Rhett Miller concert, which was hot in every possible way. Smart girl and her man surprised me and came out to join us. Once Rhett hit the stage, we girls rushed to the front and shook our moneymakers and lost our minds. That boy is such a cutie; he has this incredible smile, just loving the rock and roll. It works for me. Excellent.

Hit Brendan's after for drinks. Bad news: Smart girl is moving to NYC in June. I do think the move will be good for her; she's had a hard year and needs a new view. And I'll have one more person to stay with on trips to NY.

Friday, April 14, 2006

I've been called worse

I was told today by someone who knows me pretty well, or at least has spent a lot of time around me, that I am a "handful." The comment came when I was so wrapped up in my crazy thoughts that I wasn't functioning at full capacity at work and there was no hiding it -- in other words, I was acting like a nut. I think the second before, I was actually slapping myself across the face (and yes, I so had it coming). Because I was so preoccupied, I kinda chuckled and walked away without responding. Then later, I realized it was one of those moments when I should have asked, "what does that mean?" I most often hear it said about kids who are acting up, so am I seen as childish? Or is it a badge of honor for marching to my own beat (being a weirdo)? Considering who said it, I figure it's something akin to the latter, but I have to remember, you never know unless you ask.

Got my hair did

Whew, finally. Maybe I should go to the salon more often -- my hair wouldn't be quite so wild-child and it's always entertaining. Like last time, when this little blondie, who's cute as a bug but not quite as bright was trying to convince us all that a radish is a baby turnip, and we were all trying to convince her that she's an idiot. It didn't take.
Last night, every time one stylist or another left or went into the back room, they were getting ripped apart. Everybody was piling on, except my girl, Red, who's so sweet and meek and wouldn't say anything mean even if you threatened to torture her for the info. Or so I thought. So I decided to dig a little. Started an oh-so-casual conversation with her about their salon owner, a big bitch on wheels. She just does not treat her people right -- your classic hated boss with everybody under her thumb, and always picking on poor little Red, especially. I commiserated. I empathized. I questioned gently. Lo and behold, it didn't take much -- Red was ready to spill. With the cutest sly smile on her face, she allowed as how awhile back she'd "accidentally" cut a huge hank out of the back of the owner's hair while she was giving her a quick haircut (think that girl cutting a nice horsetail out of Caroline's hair in Sixteen Candles). The owner was hopping mad -- but what could she do? Not a damned thing. Her hair was wrecked for months! What fitting revenge, huh? We could not stop giggling for at least half an hour.

Oh, yeah, my hair looks rockin'. Way to go, Red.

Just pump it

Please, my good people. From this day forward, can we all agree not to bring up/discuss/analyze/bitch about the price of gas? I realize that the topic is endlessly fascinating to and obsessed upon by many. And I do so enjoy the front page pictures of some frowning guy holding a gas nozzle and standing next to his Cadillac or Range Rover. But I simply can't take it anymore. I'm begging here, y'all. Here are several common and useful liquids that are in fact more expensive than gasoline: Orange juice. Milk. Diet Coke. Caffeine-free Diet Coke. Bottled water. Tide detergent. Starbucks Frappuccino. One bourbon, one scotch, one beer. Discuss amongst yourselves. Thank you.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Still in tatters from the smell of you

Why did I not notice it before? A little late, I suppose, I've realized what a major part of the human condition pining is. I look around me and it seems everyone is walking through life with their world tinged blue with it.

To pine: to yearn intensely and persistently especially for something unattainable. Or: to lose vigor, health, or flesh (as through grief).

I'm not talking about wishing and hoping that you'll meet the one. That loneliness is painful in its own right, but so much more manageable than what happens when it's a particular face you long to see. Ah, the exquisite pain of the unattainable. The one who walks with you everywhere you go. Who knew you, knows you still. Who delighted in your goodness and somehow reveled in your badness. Whose name you whisper with closed eyes when you're alone. The one who won't ever be with you, no matter how much love there is (love doesn't conquer all), and worse, is with another, or maybe several others, while you're still walking the earth, pining away. The one.

It hurts, but it hurts so good, doesn't it? Why else would we all be torturing ourselves with it? Because mixed with every regret is a bit of that electric feeling the one was able to elicit.

Like Steve Earle sings:

Since you're gone my empty arms have nothing left to hold
And your memory cannot keep me warm but it never leaves me cold


You can even pine for the person sitting right next to you on the couch. They're right there; you can reach out and touch them, pining all the while for what they once were to you, when they were everything to you. Or maybe that's a copout and the pining is actually for yourself. For the lost time when life seemed simple and your confidence hadn't been stirred and shaken beyond repair.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Mood swings

This morning was rocky for me -- and then something so wonderful happened. I ran into smart girl, a friend I hadn't seen for awhile. We instantly connected the night we met, but ran into a rough patch. See, I had met her through another friend, who recently dropped out of my life (her choice, not mine). The ensuing awkwardness made me reluctant to talk to smart girl. I assumed she wouldn't want me to. Silly. Anyhow, I saw her and approached her and we just had the most amazing talk. Turns out our mutual friend had done the same thing to her, and smart girl had been afraid to contact me because of it. It's a shame that we were being so silly and lost that time together, but now we've picked up where we left off. We have so many things in common and it feels so good to talk to someone who gets it. I'm thankful our paths crossed today.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Don't tell me what to do

You know that sensation you get when someone tells you not to do something? The hair stands up on your arms, your stomach clenches and the skin on your palms starts to itch? Must do it, must do it, must do it. In a perverse way, I so enjoy those moments when I've just been challenged and I know that I'm going to do just that very thing that has been deemed verboten. This little video did it for me and I'm gonna go try it out. What's the worst that could happen?

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Poem

A friend and I were talking about the gum/librarian thing (did a librarian or teacher ever make you spit gum out into her or his hand?) and it made me think of a poem my Gan learned from the nuns in Catholic school:

When asked to compare a gum-chewing girl and a cud-chewing cow,
the only difference that I'll allow
is the intelligent look on the face of the cow.

Communing with the dead




My shadow and I took a walk in Cave Hill Cemetery today. What a marvelous spot to walk and think, especially on a glorious day like today, with the crabapples greening up and blooming, and the little purple violets and the little white flowers I don't know the name of everywhere. The cemetery is off of one of the busiest streets in town, but you'd never know it, it's so peaceful. While I understand the desire in some, when I go, I don't want to be buried. I don't want the money, space or effort wasted on me. You can just throw me over a cliff or something.

My favorite names from gravestones today:
Capitola Burnett
Mary Berry Brent
Theodosia Moore

Funny, right next to the cemetery is a house with one of those stones with the family name carved into it in the front yard. Can't help but think of a gravestone when I see it.

What did you call me?

Such is life that what you want will come, but not when you want it. When I was a little kid, I wanted a nickname so badly, but nobody ever gave me one -- and that's one thing you can't do yourself. Among me and my brother and sister, I have an unusual name that might seem to invite nicknames, and they each have pretty mainstream names. But each of them picked up a nickname from virtually day one that has stuck to this day. I couldn't for the life of me get anyone to call me anything but my given, crazy name. Now, I adore my name but I've also somehow picked up a string of nicknames along the way: K______ Bean, K______ Doll, LaQueesha, Milady, Cheenee, Pinkie K______ and Rasputin eyes (my favorite) and a few others. Of course, those are ones that I know about. The secret nicknames we give are the best. I like to think I have other nicknames that skewer me so well that I can never be told of them.