When life hands you lemons...well, that's gonna happen sometimes

I've always blamed weird little things that happen with my body on stress. But nothing compares to the shitstorm that my life is right now, and the accompanying ailments. Hand tremors, spots on my skin, bad stomach, headaches, weird pains all over. I've got them all. God, I sound like I'm 80. Anyway, I'm off to the doctor tomorrow, so maybe he can drug me up to my eyeballs and stop all this, or perhaps just make me unaware? Comfortably numb?

Song for today:

To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me
Always love Hate will get you every time
Always love Don't wait til the finish line

Slow demands come 'round
Squeeze the air and keep the rest out
It helps to write it down
Even when you then cross it out

But always love Hate will get you every time
Always love Even when you wanna fight

Self-directed lives
I want to know what it'd be like to
Aim so high above
Any card that you've been dealt, you...

Always love Hate will get you every time
Always love Hate will get you

I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs.
You said
Hey, you good ones.
Hey, you good ones.

To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me...
Always love Hate will get you every time
Always love Hate will get you

I've been held back by something
Yeah, You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah, You said to me quietly on the stairs
You said..
Hey, you good ones
Hey, you good ones
Hey, you good ones

Christmas is cancelled

I see my opportunity and I'm taking it.

Christmas is cancelled in my world. If I gave you a gift last year, or any year, too bad, so sad, but you won't be getting one from me this year. It's over, it's done, it's just another day.

What is wrong with people, or, what is wrong with people?

I drove down to Florida to visit my Gan for Thanksgiving. I kind of think she was almost more excited to see my dog, but she was glad to see me too. I had some topics I wanted to discuss with her and, as it turned out, she had some she wanted to discuss with me.

Her daughter, my aunt, lives there in town with her husband, who has been dying of cancer for many years. The doctors keep saying he's about to go, but he's been hanging on which, I will grant, makes for high stress. But this aunt of mine didn't speak to her mother for 10 years, though they lived five minutes apart. It was over money. It was spiteful and hateful and hurtful and embarrassing for my Gan. Then, all of a sudden, she came back and couldn't do enough for her mother. That lasted only a little while. Now, inexplicably, she's back to not speaking to her mother. She pretty much won't speak to anyone else in the family, either.

Since I was in town, my parents had asked my aunt if they would allow me to come visit them and my cousins. She grudgingly said okay. (Needless to say, we weren't invited to Thanksgiving with them.) When my Gan called to see if we could stop by, my aunt went into a tirade about how I didn't care about them, and her son was leaving in a minute to go back home and we could only stay a minute. We decided that we could just not go at all, and prove her theory that I don't care about them right, or just go.

We went with our heads held up. Aunt greeted us at the door with a hateful glare. My uncle, who is long-suffering in every way, was his usual friendly self, but of course, he didn't say anything to his wife, like, "hey, quit being such a bitch, why don'tcha?" One of my cousins barely looked up from his video game to say hello to me and say he was leaving in an hour (not right then, as we had been told), totally ignoring my Gan. My other cousin was taking a nap. We were there three minutes. I gave my uncle and cousin a hug. They did not hug Gan. Aunt didn't hug anyone, nor smile one time.

We left with our heads still held up, knowing we'd done the right thing, or the best we could.

How can people be so cruel to people who love them and are loving towards them? It makes no sense.

What I've eaten today

one bowl shredded wheat
two cups coffee
two Diet Cokes
one Fresca
four cookies
half bottle red wine (so far)

Healthy diets, who needs em? I'm not sure if that's better or worse than yesterday's granola bar, two Diet Cokes and salad.

At least my wardrobe of clothes that I've bought thinking they'll look great when I lose five or ten or whatever pounds is now out of purgatory and in rotation. The tags are off. Not sure what the scale would say now, since I don't have one anymore, but the clothes fit so the tags are off. Whoop de frickin doo.

It just bugs me

This passage in a book I'm reading made me laugh:

"And, of course, there is the immense, hovering presence of Danielle Westerman with her European-based culture, her thin, distinguished chin, her boxy knuckles and long crimson nails. Would Danielle approve? I scarcely ever budge from my habitual stances or perspectives without causing that stern question to flap against my ear. Last week I disappointed her by using the word veggies. She had thought better of me. I could tell."

If you know me, you know I have a problem with that word. I don't know why. It just makes me twitch. I'm trying to get past it. I'm not hopeful.

Funny, I ran into someone again today unexpectedly. An old friend I haven't seen for too long. It's always good to see a friendly face.

Oh well, I'm off to get some dinner and help set everything up for Pinkie T's surprise party. So far, so good -- everyone thinks the surprise remains intact. Shhhhh....

Be nice to me

Because I gave blood today. That's what my sticker says. Or just be nice to me because you want to.

Giving blood isn't easy for me. I have tiny veins and it takes forever to fill up the bag. I came close to passing out -- but resisted. I'm not complaining, that's just how it is.

My coworker's daughter died this week. It's such a horrible tragedy. In my mind, giving blood was something I could do for someone else in a bad situation. Not that her death involved any bleeding, that I am aware of, but there's always a need. And I have it to give.

I was sitting there reeling, my brain buzzing, and in comes the tutor from the halfway house. It was strange. I haven't seen him for awhile because I'm taking a break from tutoring, so we had a chance to catch up. Maybe I'll get back to it in a little bit. Small world. Or he's following me.

Who's your buddy?

A former friend poked her head into my life again. This woman was not that long ago my "best friend" and "loved" me so. In honesty, I did consider her my best friend for awhile and treated her accordingly. Unfortunately, for me, at least, that wasn't exactly true. At a time when I really needed her, she decided to tell me that she wasn't a judgmental person -- but she was judging me and found me wanting. And she wouldn't be speaking to me any longer. I quickly realized that it was for the best, but it was a hard lesson to learn.

Recently, she popped up, causing serious trauma for me and people in my life. She hasn't contacted me directly -- yet -- but that doesn't make the consequences any less serious. So she's been on my mind.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, I was watching Garden State. What a crappy movie, but I digress. As I was watching and listening to the soundtrack, I thought, "this sounds so familiar." And it was. Back when she was all about me, actually too much so, she made me a mix CD that she said would "enlighten me" and she wouldn't stop talking about it. She wanted to know how I felt when I listened to it and how it made me feel about her and all that girly crap. I didn't know what she was getting at, exactly. But she wouldn't let it go (stalker). It was an okay CD. Several songs I had heard before and liked. I never got enlightened, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Because I thought we were friends.

So while I'm watching Garden State, I realize that the mix she gave me, and went on and on about how she had stayed up all night and created especially for me while she was in Europe -- was basically the Garden State soundtrack, plus three Dave Matthews songs (her favorite band, but she knows I LOATHE them). SO LAME. After everything that happened, I knew she was lame, but come on. It made me laugh. Jesus.

Anyway, the positive. She makes me appreciate my real friends, my angels, even more, if that is possible. The ones who draw near when I need them, like LaToya, who somehow knew without me telling her that I needed her tonight. So she came and drank wine with me and kept me entertained with outrageous stories that I'm sworn to take to the grave -- and I will, because she's a true friend.

What? I can't hear you. WHAT???

My right ear is still ringing. The sign of a good rock and roll show. I love how two guys can make such a thunderous, vibrating sound that sucks all the thoughts out of my head. My guest (sorry everyone else I didn't choose, maybe you'll get lucky next time) and I were in the front row for The Black Keys, a few feet from a speaker that was a good four feet tall. The singer, before he got started, said we ought to have earplugs, but we said bring it. So they did. How did two scruffy white guys from Akron get so funky? My guest said there's nothing to do there but buy tires and do drugs. (I've never been, but I believe him. Ohio -- yuck.)

I had a CD of theirs with me, since my guest had just returned it to me, so I had the guys sign it. Then I had the singer sign my boob with saliva. Don't know what got into me --- I've never asked a musician to sign a CD before.

Not sure what's going on in this BK video, but a bit of mystery suits my mood. They're playing again tomorrow night; I think I have to go get all shook up again.

Need to make a list

This has been possibly the longest week of my life. Absolutely brutal. And it's not over yet.

But let's focus here. Can I think of three good things that happened this week? Or today?

On the way out of the parking garage, I got a "looking good, little lady, looking good." I know I am, but it's always nice to hear. So that's one.

I got a call that I won tickets to a private 50-person-only concert by one of my favorite bands, The Black Keys. And I can bring a guest. Now I just need a date. That's pretty fricking cool.

And my girlfriends are coming over tonight for dinner and cocktails. I get to cook for them and hang out -- nothing wrong there.

That's three!

Oh, and I got my broken lock fixed, too. Maybe the tide is turning (fingers crossed).

Close calls

A little while back, some creep, who's apparently been in our office before looking for purses, etc. to steal, was run off while in the process of gathering up the contents of one of my coworkers' offices.

Then, the other day, I walked over to the bank at lunch to do a little business. The sign on the door said that branch was closed for an "emergency." I later found out there had been an armed robbery there about an hour before.

Does this mean a third close call is coming, or that the bad guys will get me on that try? The lock on my porch door is broken -- I'm thinking I better get that fixed. Crap.

Hey, bad guys, I'm on your side. Really. Move along, okay?

Okay, I'm watching this ONE more time. Then I'm closing my account.

One...

Symbolic or just crazy?

I just had the strangest dream. I was riding a bike up this huge, extremely steep mountain. But I was just flying -- it wasn't physically hard. On the way, I passed a parking lot where Patti LaBelle and several other women were sitting in cars and talking to each other through their open windows. Somehow I knew that they were a vigilante group looking for drug dealers, intending to apprehend them and turn them in. And I also knew that they wouldn't want to see me, even though I wasn't a drug dealer. So, I rode on by and they saw me, but I was riding so fast that there was nothing they could do.

Soon enough, I reached the summit of the mountain. I formulated a plan. I started riding back down, a little slower, to sneak up on them.

Meanwhile, I was rubbing the liquid out of something, maybe one of those energy gel packs that bike riders use on long rides? But it was a lot bigger than that, and I kept rubbing it and rubbing it to get everything out.

As I passed the women again, I waited until they saw me and gave them the bird. I started screaming, "You know what this means! Fuck you! Fuck you and fuck you! And fuck your sister, fuck your brother, fuck your mother and fuck your father! And fuck your daughter and fuck your son! And fuck your aunt and fuck your uncle and fuck your nephew and fuck your niece! Fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU!"

I rode on by, filled with satisfaction at their shocked, broken faces.

And there was still not a god damned thing they could do.

Fuck them.

Yeah, I guess it's just crazy.