Anybody tried acupuncture?

My vet wants to use it on my dog. I've always been a skeptic, but I'm approaching everything with an open mind these days, and it's working for me, so I'm willing to be convinced (easy for me to say -- the needles won't be sticking me). But if it would help him, I'd do it. I'd do anything for that sweet pup. Thoughts?

I'm bustin' Jerry, I'm bustin'!!!

Happy on a Monday: My party this weekend was a success and everything is going so well, I can hardly stand it. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to be me, to be happy, to love my life.

Today, I'm grateful for:

Chocolate cake
People who give
People who let me give to them
Inside jokes
Jeans that fit my ass perfectly
Jeans that fit hot boys' asses perfectly
Souvenirs
Anticipation
Friends who ask tough questions
Kept promises
Knowing I deserve to have it all

Work these into conversation today

If you're not gonna read the whole list (which you should), at least read the last one. You'll thank me.

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.


2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.


3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.


4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.


5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.


6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.


7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.


8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.


9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.


10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.


11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.


12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.


13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.


14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.


15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.


16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:


1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.


2. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.


3. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.


4. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit! and the person who doesn't get it.


5. Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.


6. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.


7. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)


8. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.


9. Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.


10. Glibido (v) All talk and no action.


11. Dopelar effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.


12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.


13. Beelzebug (n) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.


14. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.


And the pick of the literature:


Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Luck, Change, Fortune

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

All I said was

"I'd like to lick his eyebrows." And my friend said, "that's the weirdest thing I've ever heard." She would not back down from that extreme stance when I confronted her. I can't decide whether to be a little insulted here. I open up my heart and that's what I get??? Sheesh.

Please tell me that is not the weirdest thing you've ever heard.

I'm back

from a glorious four-day vacation to Baltimore with The Fabulous Ms. L. This had to have been one of the best trips, all around, that I've ever taken. Vacations are supposed to relax and rejuvenate you, but so often you come home drained. We got it right this time.

A couple of moments from the trip:

I had my tarot cards read. It's BS but still entertaining as all get out and intriguing if you have any imagination. Here's what she told me:

I have great healing power in my spirit and body, and especially in my hands.

I've been hurt in love. Two men are pulling me apart and causing stress; stomach pain I've experienced is related. I haven't reached spiritual closure, but neither man is my Soul Partner.

A tall, dark-haired businessman with an initial J figures prominently somewhere.

I haven't yet met my Soul Partner. I will marry once more. There will be three children that will play a large role in my life -- not necessarily children that I give birth to; they may be attached to my Soul Partner.

I have a smile for everyone, but I don't like to reveal my true self to very many people, and I do a good job of concealing it.

Then she asked me what the destruction in my life was and we discussed it a bit.

Another day, the FML dared me to go talk to a large bunch of guys hanging at the bar. My first answer was no, but then I thought, why not? So I did, and was immediately swarmed. Always fun. The strange part was that among them, I met an interesting boy from ... my town. That one step changed the entire course of the evening, and maybe more? Who knows? I'm just happy that I did that, along with several other things I've never done before -- making what you want to happen a reality is the biggest rush.

Every day is an adventure and life is very good.

So much to do

One of my birthday presents was a book that has a list:

"What Every Woman Should Do Once"

I have my own personal list that I'm working on and adding to, but these can be fun, too. First of all, several of these every woman should do as many times as possible. That said, let's see how I'm doing.

1. Make up an alias.

All the time, for various reasons, and not just here. It's just easier.

2. Skinny dip.

Not yet.

3. Insist on being called "Your Majesty."

Does it count if I was called it without insisting? It's good to be the queen.

4. Sleep out under the stars.

Yes, many times, but I'd rather lie out under the stars awake and then retreat to a soft bed.

5. Start with dessert.

What do you think?

6. Be a diva for a night at a karaoke bar.

At a karaoke bar, at a dive bar, at a ritzy bar, at a sports bar. Otherwise, why go?

7. Act out a page of the Kama Sutra.

Just one is for amateurs. Yes, of course, plenty.

8. Call in sick and spend a whole day shopping with your best friend.

We are deep into amateur country here, boys and girls.

9. Own something leather, besides a coat or gloves.

Sigh. Yes. Skirt, boots, belts, purses, etc. etc.

10. Date a guy you met on the Internet.

What do you mean by "date"?


Those are the first ten. I don't think I'll be skinny dipping in February, so I'll come back to that one. More later...

Oooo...pretty...ooooo...yummy...ooooo...

I still do it

I write letters. Real letters. I pick out pretty or cute or funny (to me) cards. I choose a pink or purple ink pen.

First, I address the envelope. Lick the stamp (pretty one). Place it just so in the corner.

Then, I'm ready to write. I just mailed a big stack. A whole bunch of thank yous, a condolence card, and several to say, "I'm thinking of you. You're important to me. You make a difference in my life."

These are the best ones.

E-mail is quick and dirty and I use it too much. Great for transferring information and jokes. Not great for feelings. Easily deleted and forgotten.

Don't even get me started on IM.

I've kept just about every card and letter I've ever gotten. Piles and piles of them. When I read them (and reread them), I picture the sender doing what I do -- making it a ritual, sitting down with all the supplies, looking up the address, putting thought into the message, trying to write neatly, to create an artifact worth saving, deciding whether to end with:

Love,

me

Sincerely,

me

Love ya!

me

Talk to you soon,

me

Miss you,

me

Goodbye,

me

It matters. It all matters.

Hope lives

Certain circles of folks exist that spend time thinking about my womb. More specifically, will it ever produce? Over many years, these folks have been beaten into submission with, "no, no, no, no, no, no. It won't. What part of no don't you understand?" A satisfying silence resulted.

My changing circumstances apparently have created in these folks a new belief that there could now be a glimmer of a whisper of an inkling of a chance that one day a sperm could meet an egg in said womb, thus producing a human child. To these folks, I now say, "why don't you take up a hobby? I hear origami is challenging and fun. Make me a swan or one of those little frogs that jump. Please?" It's not nearly as effective now; the silence is diminished.

No doubt such a meeting would produce the most good-looking, charming, articulate, witty, mop-headed small person imagineable. It might even have green eyes and be quite devilish.

This is all theoretical, but one thing I have learned is not to waste time trying to predict the future, because I will be wrong. So I guess I have to change my answer to, "never say never."

Are we having fun yet???

Yup, it's almost here. Big doings, starting tonight (birthday starts at midnight, after all), and on through the whole weekend. Taking the day off work, too. What better reason? I don't, and my friends don't, usually make a super-big deal of the day, aside from the annual Pinky Bday Dinner/Partay, but "the usual" sure doesn't apply to my life anymore, so I'm going with it. My planned outfits revolve around high-heeled, open-toed shoes, and my birthday has to fall in the freaking coldest week of the year, so I may lose a digit or two to frostbite, but these are the kinds of risks I'm taking these days. If you see me out and about, give me a birthday kiss.

Just because

Mood: wistful

Wearing: running pants, ancient sweatshirt, sleeping dog

Reading: New Yorker article on Bill Clinton, Cosmo, e-mail

Food: cheesecake

Candle: vanilla

Music: Patty Griffin

Thinking of: long weekend, vacation, sick friend, more cheesecake

Ritualism

Too much stress and change at once is bringing out my obsessive side. I've started to notice distinct patterns recently -- eating the same food most days, listening to the same music over and over, obsessive cleaning (that's a new one), obsessive list-making (more than usual) and of course obsessive thoughts. And a few other behaviors. No, I'm not touching the doorknob seven times before I turn it -- although -- might not be a bad idea. I'll add it to the list. I can't think of any of these that are hurting anyone, including myself, so I guess it's a harmless way toward a bit of regained control in the short term.

There are 110 words in that paragraph.

I have a weapon

I'm taking the Bears

Love Chicago, don't love Manning, so the die is cast. I'm off to a couple of SB parties, where I'm sure there will be a lot of overeating, shouting, cursing, beer drinking and excessive belching. Sometimes the guys complain, but I just can't hold those burps back. It ain't healthy.

Coolness

This is now mine. My schedule has gotten so crazy that I need ("need") more power. It does everything but cook dinner, and I can do that well by myself. (Text me, call me, whatev)

And big thanks to Kohai for the "support call" and Treo tips. Worked like a charm.

Also, props to my cool friend for hipping me to TV on the Radio. Shades of Zappa, and Bowie sings backup. Enjoy.