Betty's mom just gave it away

Swine flu is somehow scarier with a funky '70s beat.

Roar

Are you watching this? The Cougar? What a steaming pile of crap. I only watched the first half of the first show and then the recording cut off for some reason (don't think I'll be needing that Season Pass). In that time, I learned about Stacey, the younger-man-seeking 40-year-old:

She got married at 16, yet says this show is the craziest thing she's ever done. WTF?
She got the producers to skip over the part between "getting married at 16" and being single and having four kids today. Think we'll be getting that dirt any minute now.
She's hot, in a Barbie kind of way.
She's rich.
Even though she's hot and rich, she can't find enough guys to hook up with. Except by going on an idiotic dating show.
She's easy. She totally went upstairs and made out with the first boy toy she picked in the first 10 minutes. And that was before she kisses every one of those badly dressed tools during the elimination "kiss off!" Hi, herpes simplex, I'm Stacey!
Really -- if you're this hot, rich and easy, you should not have time for this nonsense.
She has some serious eye wrinkles -- need to use the sunscreen, girl. You're representing us all. Unfortunately.

The hostess, Vivica A. Fox, isn't representing very well, either. In the interview she gave, which is all over the place, she drones on and on about Baby Boomers and challenging gender bias, blah, blah, blah. Vivica. Honey. Forty is Gen X, not Baby Boomer. Geez, get your silly generational labels right.

I feel dirty for watching, but I can't look away. Maybe I'll leave that Season Pass on. I'm a 40-year-old, engaged to a much younger man. I'm thrilled about it, and he's more than thrilled about it, but this show makes it all into a big booty-call joke.

Older women rock, TVLand. No joke!

Sweet Violet

We got a sweet kitten, Violet, and a sweet new camera. Man, I wish I'd had this years ago...

Yes!!!

Nothing like a band of fiery diamonds to warm up an icy week. The hints had been flying fast and furious, and I was certain a proposal was forthcoming for my birthday. Surprise -- it came early. Which is AWESOME, because I hate waiting, and my attempts to pretend I didn't get the hints were lame.

So ... Yes!! (That's what she said. Heh.)

I couldn't be happier. Thanks for everything, and everything to come, baby. You are the best.

Love those special holiday moments

Our president, saying his goodbyes to the office before flying out to California:

"Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Happy Hanukkah! Greetings of the Season! Cheers! Happy Kwanzii, Kwanzaa..."

Turns to only black employee in the office:

"How do you say Happy Kwanzaa? ... Happy? ... Kwanzaa? ... "

We're all pitching in to get him an HR rep this year.

Craigslist angst

The posts NorthwestObserver finds on his local Craigslist Missed Connections make me laugh so I checked out our local list.

I wonder what these two brought along the lane-dodger for? Did they need him to help them carry lumber out of Lowe's? Are they in the middle of a huge remodeling job? Were they on the way to a movie and just didn't think they could make it without peeing their pants so they stopped to use the bathroom? Were they going to make a porno, but she only wanted friendship, aside from that, because she has a boyfriend? One thing we know, this guy didn't care if he got run over, he had to get away from those two nuts.

You Ran Across Six Lanes of Traffic

I picked you up. We went to Lowes.

My friend and I went into the bathroom, and while we were in there, I said to her, "I'd laugh my ass off if he bailed."

We waited outside of the men's restroom for 10 minutes until a store clerk described what you were wearing and informed us that you had left the store as soon as my friend and I had walked into the restroom.

What I'm wondering is this. Instead of being a man, why did you have to sprint across 6 lanes of traffic, just to get away from us? Were we really that bad? I mean, I've been rejected before, but come on. That was beyond rejection. I really don't think you took into consideration that we could have taken someone far more enjoyable than yourself, but instead, I chose you to go. I also don't think you realized that I didn't want anything from you but a friendship. In fact, I had a boyfriend at the time.

Thank you for making us feel stupid, and thank you for wasting my time, even though in the first e-mail you ever wrote me, it said, "I won't waste your time because I wouldn't want you to waste mine."

I wonder sometimes. Not all the time, I mean, I don't lose sleep over this situation...I just wonder sometimes when I'm bored. Why'd you do it? Did you want to be the butt of all of our jokes? Did you want to seem like a complete asshole? I mean, I don't get it.

Why don't you explain it to me, Evan.


********************

And this one seems so innocent and sweet, until you get to the part about the Christmas tree and the apron. Sounds like forcible dinner-cooking to me. Little presumptuous for a guy who's invisible to this woman. If she wanted to be making out with him, she would be, and if she wanted to be cooking him dinner, she would be doing that too. Think this is gonna end up a FAIL.

Coffee at Lunch

We go out for coffee for 25 minutes almost every day but I still can't figure you out. I know we have a connection but I'm about to bust. I have a hard time keeping everything in and I'm afraid if the floodgates open I would lose what we have, if you knew how much I liked you. I sit patiently while you tell me about the bartender that you made out with, I just wonder why not me? You also told me about the guy who wrote you a song and how you thought that was silly. Did you know I wrote you a song too? ( I threw it out, I was scared I would be thought of in the same way )Your friendship is very important but I can't get the thought of you next to a Christmas tree with a apron on out of my head. I'm hoping to get the courage to show you how I feel.

I drank the fat

I vaguely remember a Friends episode about Joey and a glass of fat. Somebody was trying to bribe him to drink it, or he was trying to get paid to drink it, or something. What a stupid show. I thought of it over Thanksgiving. I was cooking stuffing -- chopping, stirring, sauteeing, just cooking up a storm, and I grabbed my coffee cup and dumped the last of the pot in. Did a little more stirring and seasoning, picked up the cup and took a giant swig. Oh, gag! It took a few minutes before I started to comprehend what I had done. It was so hot. And it tasted so foul. I had picked up the wrong cup, one that had had bacon fat poured in it, and dumped the coffee on top. I was very lucky that the grease had at least started to cool down, so I didn't actually burn myself. I cannot describe the taste. However, I got to experience it for the rest of the day. I kept remembering that drink and burping up the taste of bacon fat and smoky coffee. Good god. I told my friend about it and he said, well, basically you just drank red eye gravy. Without the sugar. Which tells you something about people who make and eat red eye gravy. I don't know much about it, and at this point, I don't think I've been missing anything. This recipe I found doesn't even include sugar. I'll never be able to eat that. Nasty. The stuffing was to die for, though.

And the award for the Best Boyfriend EVER goes to...

Duh. Pilot! How did he earn this crown, you are asking. I shall tell you. On top of all the undivided attention, unconditional love, sense of adventure, dirty jokes and hours of debating whenever I get the urge -- which is very, very often -- he bought me a house. And I don't mean he put a down payment on one. He paid off the mortgage I took on last year. Bought. The House. Whoa.

That was the last remaining debt between the two of us. Now we have no mortgage payment, no rent, no nothing. In fact, we have no payment on the three houses and two condos that we own. I am still in shock.

It's true and always will be that money can't buy you happiness. Don't try to convince yourself otherwise. We were happy when we were broke-no-joke and we're just as happy now. Only the circumstances have changed. And they'll change again. Thank goodness. Samey-samey is boring -- and I do not do boring.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone

I think I'm going to sound like a rich bitch when I tell you that in a few hours we are flying ourselves down to our condo in Florida for a well-deserved vacation.

Oh, well! That's how we roll. But I'm really not that big of a bitch.

I am so thankful for my wonderful life, especially the negative test results I got today, getting to see my Gan while we're in Florida and the fact that my love and I will get to see each other for six days in a row. I think that is a record. And he's going to be a captain in a few weeks! I am so, so proud. We are blessed, and I couldn't ask for more. Except maybe another sliver of that pumpkin pie....a little bigger. Little bigger. Yeah, perfect.

My beaver and I have such a great time together!

Why can't we have entertaining commercials like this here in the U.S.?

Baltimore is good for LOTS

So I'm reading about which cities are best to ride out the recession and I get to Baltimore. Yay, I love Baltimore! But wait ... the picture is of Fell's Point and The Greene Turtle! The bar where I met a hot guy to love and adore me and have adventures with me for the rest of my life! Obviously, a quite smart and charming person wrote this article. I approve.

Places: Fell's Point, Baltimore, Maryland

I took this moments before I walked into the bar where I would meet my love. I've always enjoyed this picture. The green door, the blue door and the snow at the end of the little alley are fresh and soothing. Why my friend and I decided on Baltimore as our February vacation destination, I can no longer remember. It may have had something to do with a cheap flight. And we almost cancelled the day before, because of the massive ice storm that was blowing through the city. We went, though, which makes me constantly wonder about fate. There was no good reason for me to be there at that time. Or was there???? The rest of the story, as they say, is that I now have the best boyfriend in the world, a man who is perfect for me. I still get that little thrill of joy every time we reunite.

We were each traveling when we met, crossing paths in another city, though we both lived here in the Ville. And how could it have been otherwise? We're working on seeing the world together. This city, Baltimore, has a special place in my heart.

Did you know Grace Jones is still alive?

She is, thank heavens!

Well played, Grace. The peek-a-boo shoes? socks? counterbalance the winged mask. You have to show a bit of skin, after all, and that get-up would definitely give a girl sweat trails between her boobs and down her crack. But what I really, reeeeaaaaalllly want to know is ...

WHAT is in her bag? It's big enough to hold a skull. That's my best guess.

Searching for something? See this movie!