My people

Something has finally sunk in with me. Now that we're separated and divorcing, my friends -- and more to the point, my husband's and my mutual friends -- are sticking with me. And they're sticking tight. I had convinced myself that that would not be the case, that I would lose all or at least most of my friends because they would choose him over me. Even that he (the good one) deserved to take all of them away from me (the bad one), and I should start over with absolutely nothing. They all know everything that's happened with and to me, and what's going on now. And they're right with me, every day. (By the way, I'm not saying my husband isn't a good person. He certainly is.)

I have an invitation to go out, or a visitor, every day. One cooks for me to make sure I have real food and that I eat. They watch my dog if I need to be away for awhile. One drives me when I'm too crazed to do it myself safely. And I've never received so many friendly phone calls, voice mails, e-mails, letters, texts, cards, little gifts and silly jokes. If I need to be alone, they leave me alone (but not too long). When I start moaning about how everything is screwed up, or I've made this or that mistake, they let me bitch for awhile, we get it all out, and then they talk me down and make me admit that I'm a good person who was in a bad situation, that I did the best I could and I got hurt, and that unforgettable moments, both positive and negative, and new experiences are ahead of me, whatever I want to happen, if I keep my focus on the future and stop worrying about the past. Sitting quietly with me is good. Or gossiping. They make me laugh and laugh. It's all so much better than "professional" help.

So….it's the opposite of what I convinced myself it would be at this point. Looking back over this, it still seems unreal, but it's not. It's all real. I realize I have to stop thinking that I don't deserve any of this special treatment.

I've kept waking up every day, thinking that would be the day I'd find out that I'd been left the unchosen one. It's human nature to choose one person, if not a "side," in these situations. I know it's awkward and uncomfortable for all of them to witness this story. Especially for our closest friends. There's one couple that we used to socialize and travel with regularly that is trying to keep the lines open with both of us, but they're the only ones, and even they're having a hard time, given the situation now.

It blows me away.

What does that say? That I choose my friends wisely (usually), I think. But also that I made a mistake. I let someone take away so much of my self-confidence that I was doubting not only myself but my friends who love me, the ones who never did anything to indicate that I ought to lose my faith and trust in their good-heartedness. I let my power and faith in myself be sucked out day after day after day. Couldn't think of many reasons anyone would want to spend time with me, listen to me, stick by me. Why did I do that? I'm still trying to figure out the answer. I'm not completely sure. But I did. I let my self-confidence and self-esteem be taken away and I became a different person. A person who no longer stood up for herself and demanded the treatment she deserved, as she always had before. I got weaker and smaller, less alive, more self-hating. I hated that person, from top to bottom, from the inside out. I hate that I was that person, even temporarily. Some folks have a talent or born ability to get people to do what they want them to do; in most situations, that person is me, but for awhile it was someone else, and I was controlled, and pulled in, and pushed away, and back and forth until I didn't know my own mind anymore, or what to believe or think. I still tried to treat others as I wanted to be treated, but when that reciprocation didn't happen, I gave too many chances, cutting off and giving away a piece of myself each time, instead of paying attention to what I saw and knew and keeping control of and for myself. I don't know exactly how it all happened, but I do know it won't happen again. If I wasn't smarter than that then, I am now.

So now, I'm getting back into my normal mindset. Being on my own and doing what I want, when I want, helps, actually. I don't have to worry about what others think or whether they might freak out for some unknown reason, or no reason at all. I'm not thrilled that I'm getting divorced and my life is in such upheaval, but I don't have much choice in the matter now and I have to take care of myself (and let my helpers help).

Part of me is broken, but only part. Giving my time, attention, caring and love back to the people who are giving it to me every day isn't something I have to do, exactly, it's what I want to do. I know now, too, how much I've missed in the last couple of years by being so wrapped up in other things. At least I know that even so, the person I am, the way I am, came through, even in the bad times. And, yes, I have thanked my friends and told them how grateful I am and how devoted to them I'll always be, to their faces, looking into their eyes. Because they deserve to know how much of a difference they're making. I don't think it's totally overstating the case to say that they've saved a life. Okay, I've rambled on about sappy stuff long enough. Next time, no sap, just the usual crap. I've got plenty of stupid drama to share.

[While I was writing this, I went to lunch with a friend and broached this subject. She said, "You have nothing to worry about, we all make mistakes (and there are degrees of mistake), we love you, and you won't be abandoned by true friends. We're going to take care of and protect YOU, not that you need all that much help. Now shut up and pass the bread." :) ]